did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
