i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
