I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
