Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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