I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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