I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I need a burrito and a hug.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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