never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
