i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
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