WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
