If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
