Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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