I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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