wanna go halves on a baby?
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
