drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
