I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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