he wants to bone in the snuggie
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
