I wish I only lived at night.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
