There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
