Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
