I will die if light touches me.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
