I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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