I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
