I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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