Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
