People in love make me want to vomit
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
