he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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