so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
