He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You're breaking my sexual little heart
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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