I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
