I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Randomize
