"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
