I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize