My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize