We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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