hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
