We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
