Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
We smell like vodka and hangover
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
