My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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