i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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