you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
