I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
