It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Sext me about skeletons
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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