If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
