Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize