Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I have fence marks all over my body
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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