i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
It's shark week go big or go home
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
That's how pantless uber rides happen
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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