fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
