The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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