the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
