$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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