Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
