I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
My day in three words: secret purse cake
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
