rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
