My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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