The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
