so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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