U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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