When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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